THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM

    5 Questions, 60 Minutes, Infinite Implications.

    You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and/or
    the Book of Mormon.

    The speed of light is "c".  Show all work.  For all problems,
    assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density "D." Pi
    does not equal God, no matter what you have heard.  No praying
    during the exam.  Detention lasts for eternity.

1.  (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves
    each an equal amount "L." Bob then accelerates to 0.9c. From Joe's
    frame of reference at rest, how much does God now love Bob?

2.  Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with
    sheep "S."

    a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following the act
    if the sheep was not willing?

    b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically willing,
    could not be said to have minded, either?

3.  (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of God be the "xy"
    plane. Sue's soul starts at the coordinates (0,0) at time "t" = 0
    seconds. Sue's soul then travels at 5 meters/second in the
    direction of the positive z axis.  Everything is in Cartesian
    coordinates bespeaking a subscription to a perfectly rational
    Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time "t" will
    Sue be saved?  (Hint: Assume a point soul.)

4.  (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time "t." Cornelia is a
    saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace. However, her head
    is in the closing jaws of an alligator at time "t." What mass of
    meat will remain to the alligator at time "t + 10" seconds?

5.  Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a state of rest. His
    sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats 0.3 kg of
    pork and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about
    pretty much everything.

    a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?

    b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of those Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain't
    so damn smug now, is he?

Extra Credit (10 pts.):

    25 grams of wafers and 20 milliliters of cheap wine undergo
    transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of the Lord.
    How many joules of heat are released by the transformation?

Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.